I started to resemble "he" and "she"
Valentine's Day is today! I'm wondering why, exactly, my heart feels so different that I no longer value somebody's efforts. I wondered how someone could be so loving toward me. I therefore go back in time to those instances when I experienced constant questions about my level of concern, my ability to make others proud, and my attempts to provide happiness to others.
I've always enjoyed seeing "them" happy, so I did all in my power to make them happy. Little did I realize, though, that they are actually just a bunch of frustrated billionaires who would never be content in life unless they became one.
These are my heartbreaking tales that, in the end, helped me to become like "them" by hardening my heart sufficiently to be truly humble toward both myself and other people.
First of all, when I began my elementary education, I was already a garbage collector. When I get a thousand from the trash I pick up at the end of the week, "she" is thrilled. I gave her my earnings, but once I requested that she use my money to buy me a dress since I wanted to buy one for myself, but instead she bought mangoes to sell. She screamed at me, grabbed the mango sack, and dumped it all over me. I had a really bad headache after that.
I now resemble her. Spending other people's money rather than my own is a notion I find appealing. I'm thrilled when someone spends money on me; therefore, I adore it.
Second, I also wanted to bring honor to "them." I therefore made an effort to do well academically in primary school, but as I was not intelligent enough to compete with geniuses, my first prize was a ribbon for a special recipient rather than a certificate for being an outstanding student. However, since it was my first prize, I didn't think much of it until I showed it to "him" who simply responded, "only ribbon? Not medal? That's meant for stupid people." That remark totally ruined my childhood. That's when I really began to understand that I had to be great, not simply good or better.
I now doubt other people's abilities rather than appreciating them.
Third, I competed in many schools, earned medals and scholarships, and put a lot of effort into my studies. I was thrilled to tell "her" that I was a Comlaude student in college, but her response made me feel less happy than I had felt after all the effort I had put into my coursework.
She responded, "So? What can I do with it? Could it be consumed?."
I no longer celebrate my own or others' accomplishments.
Fourth, I used to be so sweet that every time I surprised "them" for Valentine's Day or birthday, they would end up being unhappy and saying, "This is not important; I don't need these; I need money. If it's money, I'll be happy."
As a result, now, whenever someone tries to surprise me, I still feel like it's not enough and will look for something more.
This is where I'm supposed to end it since my incision is starting to hurt and I don't want to offend the folks who give me life. But allow me to share my recent breakdown that set off my recovery process.
I paid for my surgery and other medical expenses using all of my funds. Not even my earnings and a little assistance from friends could cover all the expenses. I had to borrow extra as a result. Then, a relative of mine donates something—not much, but it would be beneficial. Instead of giving it to me, though, "they" held it, and I was left to second-guess who I was going to borrow money for.
I had medical debts to pay, but "she" didn't even think twice to seek monetary assistance when I got the donation from my student and said, "Save me from my debt."
Now I wish someone can save me from myself
What I have gone through might not be so horrible for others. Though years have gone by, it is heartbreaking to realize that it aches every time I think about it. I am aware that I need to improve myself because I am starting to change into the person I don't want to be. If it's feasible, I need to resolve some concerns I have, or at the very least, learn how to handle them.
However, for the time being, I'm trying not to speak or make my expectations known because I will only hurt people if I do. I don't want to be the cause of their self-hatred. In order for me to stop being accountable for their feelings and for them to stop being accountable for mine, it is best for me to distance myself from the people I love and want to love.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!
