The Lingering Impact of Childhood Trauma: A Journey Through Fear, Anger, and Healing

As I scrolled through social media recently, I stumbled upon a video that immediately brought back memories I had tried for years to forget. It showed a father hitting the mother in front of their child—a scene all too familiar to me. Seeing that video opened a floodgate of emotions and vivid memories that I still carry with me, even after all these years. These aren’t just distant recollections; they are deeply embedded scars, wounds that continue to shape who I am today. 

When I was younger, I witnessed my father physically hitting my mother. The fear, the helplessness, and the overwhelming sense of confusion that came with each of those moments are as fresh in my mind now as they were then. The scene would play out the same way each time—the yelling, the physical blows, and the gut-wrenching fear. My father even resorted to using a gun to scare us, and the sound of that gunshot still echoes in my mind. No matter how much time passes, the trauma of those events feels as though it’s permanently etched into my memory.

Childhood is supposed to be a time of safety and love, but for children who grow up in environments of domestic violence, those basic needs are often violated. As a child, I didn’t fully understand what was happening, but I knew that I didn’t deserve to witness such violence. I didn’t deserve to feel unsafe in my own home, and yet, I did. That fear slowly turned into anger—anger that grew and festered because I couldn’t change my reality, and I couldn’t escape it. The trauma of witnessing domestic abuse doesn’t simply vanish with time. It buries itself deep inside, manifesting in ways that sometimes aren’t even clear until much later.

For me, it has contributed to my anger issues, my struggles with aggression, and my difficulties in trusting others. I learned early on that the people who are supposed to protect and love you the most can also be the ones who hurt you the deepest. That realization, unfortunately, has followed me into my adult life. Even now, I find it hard to fully trust anyone. There’s always a part of me that wonders when someone might betray me or turn against me. It’s a defense mechanism that I developed as a child to protect myself from further hurt, but it’s also a barrier that keeps me from fully embracing the love and respect I deserve. I’m learning—slowly—that I am worthy of love, that I deserve to be treated with kindness and care. But the journey is far from easy.  

Trauma, especially from childhood, doesn’t just disappear. It stays with you, quietly shaping the way you see the world and the people around you. For me, the journey to healing is ongoing. There are days when the anger and sadness feel overwhelming, and other days when I feel hopeful and resilient. Writing this is part of my healing process—an attempt to give voice to the pain that I’ve carried for so long. I know I’m not alone in this experience. So many children witness violence in their homes, and the effects of that violence linger long into adulthood. It’s not something you “get over.” It’s something you learn to live with, to manage, and to heal from over time. And while I’m still on that journey, I believe it’s important to talk about it. To give voice to the pain and the trauma that so many children experience in silence.  

Healing from trauma takes time. It takes courage to confront the past and work through the emotions that come with it. I still have a long way to go, but I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to recognize that I didn’t deserve what I went through, and to slowly let go of the anger that has been with me for so long. My story is one of pain, but it’s also one of resilience. And while the fear and trauma may still live inside me, I am fighting—every day—to create a life where I feel safe, loved, and respected. Because I deserve that. We all do

The Selfish Side of Human Nature: When People Only Value You for What You Can Offer

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but sometimes it feels like people interact with you only when there’s something they can gain from you. Whether it’s emotional support, favors, or even financial help, there’s a disheartening reality that some relationships are more transactional than genuine. You might notice that when you have something to offer, people are suddenly interested, but when you’re not in a position to contribute, you’re often ignored or treated unfairly. This selfish behavior highlights an uncomfortable truth about how people sometimes prioritize their own needs over authentic connection.

Relationships That Feel Transactional

I’ve had a rough experience with this reality in my own life. Some of my friends, who I’ve known for more than four years, became distant once they found new partners, new jobs, and new sets of friends. It was like I was only valuable to them while I was actively involved in their lives. When they moved on to new social circles, I was left behind, feeling discarded once I was no longer part of their daily routines or useful to their needs.

Similarly, my family dynamics have been challenging. My parents only reach out when they need financial assistance. It feels like their communication is tied to what I can provide rather than genuine concern for how I’m doing. My siblings only message me when they need money to support our parents or to help with my younger sister’s education. It’s disheartening to feel like my value to them is measured by what I can contribute financially, rather than by our relationship or my well-being.

Being Ignored When You Have Nothing to Offer

One of the hardest aspects of this selfish behavior is being ignored when you’re not in a position to contribute. When I’m going through my own struggles or simply can’t offer financial help, the same people who used to reach out and engage with me suddenly seem to vanish. It’s as if my worth is only tied to my ability to provide something, whether it’s support, advice, or money. This can leave you feeling isolated and undervalued, especially when you’ve been there for those people in their times of need.

The Unfairness of Selfish Treatment

The unfairness of being treated as less important when you can’t offer anything is tough to handle. It suggests that some people view relationships not as connections but as transactions. This mindset strips away the respect and empathy that should be fundamental in any relationship. Instead of valuing you as a person, they value what you can give them, and when that’s gone, so is their interest.

What’s worse is that people who treat you this way often don’t see their actions as selfish. They might justify their behavior by saying they’re “busy” or that “life happens,” but the reality is that they prioritize relationships based on what they can gain. When you can’t contribute, you’re forgotten, leaving you to feel like you’re only valued when you’re useful.

Breaking Away from Selfish Relationships

Recognizing this pattern of selfish behavior is crucial for protecting yourself. It’s important to step back and evaluate your relationships. Ask yourself: Are these people genuinely interested in me, or are they only around when it benefits them? It’s not easy to distance yourself from those who treat you this way, but setting boundaries is necessary for your emotional well-being.

True relationships are built on mutual respect and support. They shouldn’t feel one-sided or transactional. It’s okay to prioritize yourself and distance yourself from relationships that leave you feeling used or neglected. Surround yourself with people who value you for who you are, not just for what you can offer.

Conclusion: Choosing Authentic Connections

While selfishness might be a part of human nature, it doesn’t have to define all your relationships. Recognizing when people are only interested in you for their own benefit is the first step towards building healthier connections. By focusing on authentic relationships—where both parties give and receive equally—you can foster connections that are fulfilling and respectful. And in the end, that’s what really matters: being valued for who you are, not just for what you can provide.

Navigating Uncertainty in Your Mid-20s: Why It’s Okay to Not Have It All Figured Out

Turning 25 is a weird spot in life. You’re no longer in your early twenties, but you’re still figuring things out, and that pressure to “have it all together” starts to feel very real. For many of us, there’s this expectation to be financially stable, have health insurance, and maybe even own a car or a house. But, here I am—almost 25, with no house, no car, and no medical insurance yet, and I’m still working hard every day just to make ends meet. And honestly, that can feel overwhelming.

When Expectations Don’t Match Reality

The other day, one of my co-workers turned 29. We work at the same company, earning the same salary, and she’s living with her boyfriend and his family. She doesn’t have a house or car either. So, naturally, I asked her if she ever feels pressured by all that, especially now that she’s nearing 30. Her answer was really eye-opening. She said she wasn’t pressured, but she’s worried about what the future holds. That got me thinking. Here I am, 24, feeling all this pressure to have things figured out, and she’s 29, not letting that same pressure get to her, even though she’s uncertain about what’s next.

It made me realize something important—maybe it’s not just about feeling pressured, but more about learning how to live with uncertainty.

Small Steps, Big Impact

It’s easy to get caught up in what we think we should have by a certain age. The truth is, most of us are just trying to survive day-to-day. Thinking about long-term goals like buying a house or a car can feel impossible when you’re still just trying to get by. But maybe the key is starting small. Instead of focusing on big, overwhelming goals, I’ve realized that doing small things like saving a bit of money here and there, or even just researching health insurance options, can help build a sense of control over time.

I don’t need to have my entire life mapped out right now—and that’s something I’m trying to remind myself of more often.

Embracing the Unknown

One thing I’ve noticed is that we all have different timelines. Sure, some people may seem to have it all together by 25, but that doesn’t mean that’s the path for everyone. Life has a funny way of unfolding in unexpected ways, and I’m learning that it’s okay to be uncertain about the future. My co-worker might not know exactly what’s coming next in her life, but she’s taking it one step at a time, and that’s a pretty solid approach.

What I’m realizing is that success isn’t about having everything by a certain age. It’s more about how you handle the journey—whether that’s saving up, learning new skills, or just figuring out what really matters to you along the way.

Making Peace with the Pressure

There’s no doubt that the pressure is real. We all feel it to some degree, whether it’s from society, family, or just ourselves. But I’m starting to see that it’s okay to not have everything figured out right now. There’s still plenty of time to work toward the bigger things like financial stability, buying a house, or even just getting health insurance.

In the meantime, I’m going to focus on what I can control—like doing my best at work, making small financial steps, and not comparing myself to others too much. After all, everyone’s path looks a little different.

Conclusion: Taking It Day by Day

At the end of the day, I’m learning that it’s okay to feel unsure about the future, even as I approach 25. The pressure will always be there, but what matters is how I handle it. By taking small steps, focusing on my well-being, and realizing that everyone moves at their own pace, I can navigate this uncertain time with a bit more confidence. And who knows? Maybe not having it all figured out right now is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Relationships: A Partnership, Not Ownership, and Dealing with Frustration Over Attention

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, especially how we often see them as partnerships rather than ownership. When I look back at my relationship with my boyfriend, I've noticed something interesting—we don't argue as much anymore. It wasn’t some magical shift; I just started to relax a little.

I used to push him to be the person I thought he should be, expecting him to treat me exactly the way I wanted, and when he didn’t, I’d get upset. I’d ask for more time, more attention, and more of everything. But lately, I've stopped doing that. I’ve realized that maybe he needs his own time—to sleep, play games, hang out with his friends, or just take a break from everything, including me.

I stopped being disappointed when he didn’t meet my expectations. I let him have his space and do the things he loves. And now, when he wants to talk or spend time together, I’m here, without any resentment or frustration. It feels less like I’m trying to control the relationship and more like we’re growing together, in a way that respects both of our needs.

Relationships are often described as beautiful, fulfilling connections between two people. However, one of the most challenging aspects of maintaining a relationship is managing the need for attention, especially when it feels like it’s not being reciprocated. It’s easy to become frustrated when we feel neglected or our emotional needs aren't being met. Often, this frustration stems from the misconception that our partner should always provide for our desires or act in a way that aligns with our expectations. But the truth is, a relationship should be seen as a partnership, not ownership. Recognizing this distinction is essential in addressing frustrations and maintaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

The Difference Between Partnership and Ownership

At the heart of any healthy relationship is the idea of partnership. A partnership is built on mutual respect, shared goals, and equal footing. In this dynamic, both individuals bring their unique experiences, thoughts, and emotions into the relationship. They work together, support each other, and grow alongside one another. Neither person seeks to control or dominate the other.

In contrast, when someone views a relationship through the lens of ownership, they tend to feel entitled to the other person's time, attention, or behavior. They might expect their partner to meet all of their emotional needs, which can create unrealistic demands and lead to dissatisfaction. This possessive mindset can become problematic when one partner feels that they are owed something, such as constant attention or specific actions. It shifts the relationship dynamic from mutual support to one of expectation and control, which can cause tension and imbalance.

When we believe we own our partner’s time and emotional availability, we set ourselves up for disappointment. In reality, no one is responsible for fulfilling all of another person’s emotional needs. True partnership thrives on communication, compromise, and understanding, with both people contributing equally to the relationship’s health and well-being.

The Importance of Attention in Relationships

One of the most common sources of frustration in relationships is the feeling that we aren’t getting enough attention from our partners. This could happen for a variety of reasons: they might be distracted by work, hobbies, or other responsibilities. It’s natural to desire attention from someone we care about because it reassures us of our importance in their life. However, expecting constant attention or a particular type of affection can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

The desire for attention is often rooted in emotional needs. When those needs go unmet, it can feel like rejection, even if that’s not the partner’s intention. However, demanding more attention than a partner can reasonably provide can create a strain on the relationship. It’s important to recognize that each person has their own way of showing love and affection, and their level of availability might fluctuate based on external factors like stress or obligations. Learning to understand these fluctuations is part of maintaining a healthy relationship, where both partners feel respected and supported.

Coping with Frustration and Creating Healthy Communication

When we feel frustrated because our emotional needs aren’t being met, it’s essential to take a step back and consider the underlying reasons for those feelings. Is the need for attention coming from a place of insecurity, or is it simply a desire for more connection? Understanding the root of our emotions can help us address them more constructively.

Rather than expecting a partner to instinctively know what we need, open communication is key. It’s important to express feelings of frustration in a calm, non-blaming manner, which invites a constructive conversation. For example, saying, “I miss spending time with you and would love to have more moments together,” is far more effective than accusing the partner of neglect. Framing the conversation around emotions rather than blame encourages a dialogue where both partners can voice their needs without feeling attacked.

It’s also important to acknowledge that while a partner can provide support and attention, they shouldn’t be relied on to meet all of our emotional needs. Developing emotional independence and fostering other relationships, such as friendships or hobbies, can help reduce the pressure on the romantic relationship to be the sole source of fulfillment. This approach creates a more balanced dynamic, where both partners can grow individually and together.

Conclusion

A healthy relationship is a partnership, not an arrangement where one person owns or controls the other. While it’s natural to feel frustrated when we don’t receive the attention we crave, it’s crucial to recognize that love and connection are best sustained through mutual respect and understanding. By viewing relationships as collaborative partnerships, we allow space for both individuals to express their needs and thrive, without the pressure of unrealistic expectations. Communication, self-awareness, and emotional independence are the foundations for fostering a relationship where both partners feel valued and supported, allowing the bond to flourish in a healthy and fulfilling way.

Learning About Oneself from the Point of View of First-Time International Traveler

First-time international travel is a powerful experience, frequently characterized as a journey that goes much beyond simple physical transportation. It's an exploration of fresh viewpoints, environments, and civilizations that all work together to bring out what we are inside. Traveling abroad to discover oneself can be a life-changing event that can completely change how one views the world, belongingness, and direction.

Wat Ratchanatdaram Worawihan

(Also called Loha Prasat, this remarkable Buddhist temple is located in the center of Bangkok, Thailand. For Buddhists, the temple serves as a place of prayer and meditation. Religious events and meditation retreats are frequently held there.)

The Excitement of Mystery

Stepping outside of one's zone of ease and parting with patterns and familiar environments is the first step towards traveling overseas. It's thrilling and intimidating to take this leap into something new. The excitement and wonder are sparked by the strange sights, noises, and scents. The first step of discovering oneself is the elevated state of consciousness. Someone must face their prejudices and preconceptions when they try a new food, traverse a distant city, or understand an unfamiliar language. This conflict is essential for human development because it forces people to adjust to, learn from, and prosper in unfamiliar situations.

Outside View: Temple of the Emerald Buddha

Extending Reach

It is enlightening to get direct exposure to various cultures. The habits, customs, and lifestyles of the world are a collage of differences. Immersion in a foreign culture opens a person's eyes to fresh ideas and viewpoints. I learn about diverse ways of living and thinking through conversations with locals, participating in social activities, or just watching daily life. 

Wat Phra Chetuphon Wimon Mangkhalaram Rajwaramahawihan

(King Rama I the Great authorized the construction of this magnificent royal temple, which dates back thousands of years so that monks might learn the Dharma.)

Time for seclusion and introspection

Particularly when traveling alone, there are lots of possibilities for reflection. Traveling alone gives people the opportunity to establish a close connection with their deeper selves. Travelers might think about their values, objectives, and aspirations apart from the temptations and effects of their regular social networks. Whether on a calm mountain top, in a busy city area, or on a pristine coastline, spending quiet time in reflection might result in important insights. Recognizing one's genuine intentions and drives requires self-reflection.

Addressing Obstacles

There are challenges associated with traveling overseas. Misunderstandings based on culture, transportation challenges, and language are frequent. Overcoming these challenges nevertheless increases resiliency and self-assurance. Every obstacle encountered and overcome demonstrates one's resilience and flexibility. These encounters impart important life lessons, including tenacity, patience, and the ability to solve problems. 

Fulfilling Dreams and Making Memories

One's travel-related anecdotes and recollections become a vital component of who they are. Every encounter, be it a chance meeting with a stranger or a stunning dawn at an old ruin, enriches the fabric of a person's life. These dreams are a source of insight and motivation, in addition to enhancing one's own story. Conversing with others about these experiences strengthens bonds and creates a feeling of belonging. Telling stories facilitates the internalization and understanding of the lessons discovered on the trip.

The Reclining Buddha

(It depicts the historical Buddha just before he enters parinirvana, during the end of his illness. He is reclining on his right side, his head supported by his hand, and lying on a pillow or his right elbow.)

In summary

First-time international travel is a potent stimulus for personal growth. It forces people to step outside of what they know and into an infinitely promising environment. A deeper awareness of oneself is facilitated by seeing other cultures, traveling alone, rising to challenges, and making memories. Through this life-changing experience, people frequently return home with more than just mementos and photos—they often leave with a fresh outlook on life, a more distinct sense of who they are, and a reinvigorated sense of direction. Essentially, exploring new locations is only one aspect of traveling overseas; another involves finding oneself.

The Temple of the Emerald Buddha

"Known as Wat Phra Kaew was once the private chapel to the kings of Thailand and members of the court."

Moving on

The knowledge that every ending is a fresh start gives one the inner fortitude to keep going.

As we stand on the precipice of new beginnings today, we reflect on a history full of both victories and setbacks. Accepting the lessons the past has taught us is what it means to move on, rather than trying to forget them. It's about realizing our resilience, strength, and ability to influence the course of our future. 

Consider life as a route that winds through mountains and valleys. We trip and fall occasionally, and we stay in painful places. However, it is at these trying times that our true selves are formed. 

It is best to welcome change rather than be afraid of it. It's a chance for us to develop into the individuals we were destined to be. Every day is a fresh start with the opportunity to write a new chapter, have new dreams, and reach new heights. Recall that the past is not the entire story; it is only one chapter in your book. You have the ability to start over, get past the obstacles in your way, and seize the countless opportunities that lay ahead. 

Have faith in your path, hold fast to your aspirations, and remember that the best is yet to come. Give up on things that no longer benefit you. Take a brave and optimistic stance towards the unknown.

Move forward with self-assurance, knowing that you possess the fortitude to overcome any obstacle and the discernment to forge your own route. Allow this day to be the one when you decide to let go, overcome, and build the future you deserve. You have the freedom to walk the path ahead, where the opportunities are endless.

Shine on, go forward!

He, She, Them

 I started to resemble "he" and "she"

Valentine's Day is today! I'm wondering why, exactly, my heart feels so different that I no longer value somebody's efforts. I wondered how someone could be so loving toward me. I therefore go back in time to those instances when I experienced constant questions about my level of concern, my ability to make others proud, and my attempts to provide happiness to others. 

I've always enjoyed seeing "them" happy, so I did all in my power to make them happy. Little did I realize, though, that they are actually just a bunch of frustrated billionaires who would never be content in life unless they became one.

These are my heartbreaking tales that, in the end, helped me to become like "them" by hardening my heart sufficiently to be truly humble toward both myself and other people. 

First of all, when I began my elementary education, I was already a garbage collector. When I get a thousand from the trash I pick up at the end of the week, "she" is thrilled. I gave her my earnings, but once I requested that she use my money to buy me a dress since I wanted to buy one for myself, but instead she bought mangoes to sell. She screamed at me, grabbed the mango sack, and dumped it all over me. I had a really bad headache after that.

I now resemble her. Spending other people's money rather than my own is a notion I find appealing. I'm thrilled when someone spends money on me; therefore, I adore it. 

Second, I also wanted to bring honor to "them." I therefore made an effort to do well academically in primary school, but as I was not intelligent enough to compete with geniuses, my first prize was a ribbon for a special recipient rather than a certificate for being an outstanding student. However, since it was my first prize, I didn't think much of it until I showed it to "him" who simply responded, "only ribbon? Not medal? That's meant for stupid people." That remark totally ruined my childhood. That's when I really began to understand that I had to be great, not simply good or better. 

I now doubt other people's abilities rather than appreciating them.

Third, I competed in many schools, earned medals and scholarships, and put a lot of effort into my studies. I was thrilled to tell "her" that I was a Comlaude student in college, but her response made me feel less happy than I had felt after all the effort I had put into my coursework. 

She responded, "So? What can I do with it? Could it be consumed?."

I no longer celebrate my own or others' accomplishments.

Fourth, I used to be so sweet that every time I surprised "them" for Valentine's Day or birthday, they would end up being unhappy and saying, "This is not important; I don't need these; I need money. If it's money, I'll be happy." 

As a result, now, whenever someone tries to surprise me, I still feel like it's not enough and will look for something more.

This is where I'm supposed to end it since my incision is starting to hurt and I don't want to offend the folks who give me life. But allow me to share my recent breakdown that set off my recovery process. 

I paid for my surgery and other medical expenses using all of my funds. Not even my earnings and a little assistance from friends could cover all the expenses. I had to borrow extra as a result. Then, a relative of mine donates something—not much, but it would be beneficial. Instead of giving it to me, though, "they" held it, and I was left to second-guess who I was going to borrow money for. 

I had medical debts to pay, but "she" didn't even think twice to seek monetary assistance when I got the donation from my student and said, "Save me from my debt."

Now I wish someone can save me from myself

What I have gone through might not be so horrible for others. Though years have gone by, it is heartbreaking to realize that it aches every time I think about it. I am aware that I need to improve myself because I am starting to change into the person I don't want to be. If it's feasible, I need to resolve some concerns I have, or at the very least, learn how to handle them. 

However, for the time being, I'm trying not to speak or make my expectations known because I will only hurt people if I do. I don't want to be the cause of their self-hatred. In order for me to stop being accountable for their feelings and for them to stop being accountable for mine, it is best for me to distance myself from the people I love and want to love.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!